Category Archives: Scandals
“Bapak Utan” sang “Ol’ King Kong” by Sandman the Rappin’ Cowboy.
I read “A Birthday Clown for Archer” by Kathy Mashburn about a boy who convinces his coulrophobic mother to hire a clown for his birthday. After all, it’s HIS BIRTHDAY!
PLEASE MOM PLEASE MOM PLEASE MOM j/k. He’s a nice kid that Archer. Not like some people’s kids. This lady here has a kid. The middle kid. I worked with him. I have lots of notes. A real sweet heart and funny guy but he could turn on you, start throwing crayons faster than you can say Jack Asperger’s.
I was a few years ahead of the Drunk Baby Meme when I wrote these.
I was at the birth of our pal Gavin when I started inventing these jokes to distract and amuse his mom. I posted them to an old livejournal account in 2003. Luckily, I kept it archived, so here it is for no reason other than to continue the theme of going in bars (Oly Pub Crawl, Chive Meet-Up, Bloodwrestling at the Urban Onion).
A baby walks into a bar and orders a milk. The bartender says, “I can’t serve you. Don’t you see the sign. It says No Minors!”
The baby says, “I’m not a miner, I’m a baby!”
The bartender says, “Get outta here and go home to your mother”.
Well, if you were in labor you might laugh.
An hour or so later I came up with this one.
Another baby walks into another bar and orders a milk. The bartender asks, “Have you got any ID?” The baby reaches into his diapers and pulls out his sonogram.
The bartender says, “How do I know this is you?”
The baby says, “What do ya mean? That’s my nose, that’s my thumb I’m sucking! See, that’s me!”
After a moment the bartender says, “Hey! You gotta be 21 YEARS old, not 21 WEEKS old! Get outta here!”
A baby walks into a bar and orders a double shot of their best cream with a binky chaser and says to “put it on my tab!”.
The bartender asks, “Who do you think you are!?”
The baby says, “Aw, Daaad, you know me!”
A baby crawls into a bar and pulls himself up onto a stool and says, “A bottle of your house white.” Then he notices the well-endowed barmaid and quickly corrects himself, “On second thought, whatever you have on tap.
and just because I’ll be subbing in Kindergarten next week, another baby meme – Success Kid!
One of my fans sent in these pics from the Men & Muscles, Pies with Gusto series of Mississippi. This is Gene getting pied by “Old Man Nettles” at a scrap yard during a camp out. Wow!
Half-Nekkid Body-Builder Behind the cut>
Here’s the short version of the Pie-in-the-face routine from NWFest ’09.
Courtesy David Raffin and blissfulremembrances.com
Another pie… a long time coming but finally delivered.
“Just Sage” keeps crashing at my house on his way somewhere. I brought up the topic of pieing, and he told me the story of what happened when he’d crashed at another friend’s house. The guy let him use the shower in exchange for some hamburger. While showering he noticed that the shower curtain was decorated with the shadow from Psycho. Just then, his friend burst in with a Super Soaker! “Now, go ahead with your shower.”
Then for dinner, the friend brought him his food in a metal dog bowl! The friend was also eating from a dog bowl. Apparently it was a habit he picked up living on a boat. [They don’t wobble and slide off the boat!]
Finally, he said, “You need some Barnacle Vodka,” and retrieved a bottle that he’d found SCUBA diving. The label had washed off and barnacles had grown on the glass, but the plastic ring around the top said Smirnov, so they knew what it contained. After the drink he said, “Now Get Out of My House!”
Sage also mentioned that the whole thing had been documented with pictures for fcbk. That was my opening.
I thawed the whipped cream and loaded it up in the pan. Well, beggars can’t be choosers.
Now Take Your Shower and Get Out of My House!
21 minutes of Northwest Festival of Clowns featuring all three of the events in which I competed… and some other clowns too. Courtesy David Raffin & Blissful Remembrances.
Then “Honey” and I drove to Shelton for a Double Birthday, Double Clown Party.
This was the second big Hispanic community celebration. In fact, the woman who called had been to the other one, which is a great referral and testament to strong community connection.
However, there are some disadvantages. This time, they had no computer access for exchanging the paperwork (contract, invoice, etc) or further social connection (facebook, twitter, linked in). Also I was again paid in cash, large bills, and I carried no small change, so they may have felt awkward tipping an additional five, but I wasn’t willing to work for $15 less than agreed upon, especially since I had subcontracted “Honey” to take photos, prep pies and paint faces.
I collected several PAGES of signatures for the pie-in-the-face, but when the time came around only THREE kids actually came forward. The DJ was so loud that they probably didn’t hear.
No, they heard. And it was translated too
“Pastellaso en la cara”
I later asked our Spanish teacher to help explain about the party. I said, “I meant to ask you about something about Hispanic culture.”
“Jes! Go ahead!”
“I’m a clown and I went to a party in Shelton. Everyone signed up for the pie in the face, but only the kids actually came forward.”
“Okay, I’m not understanding something. You are a cloud?“
“ahem. Jes. I am a cloud. Ha-ha-ha. No. I’m sorry. I… am… a clown. payaso.”
“Oh, piE-Ya-so. Like pa-piE-ya. Oh. Okay. So jew were at a par-tea in Chelton? and…”
“I think the music was too loud. Even the gramas (the abuelas) making faces.”
“Jew know somfing, I was thinking that same thing when I was in Mexico, about my culture. THEY ARE SO LOUD. It is because they are shy and nobody has to talk to each other.”
Friday morning I considered showing up at the Grand Opening of the new Olympia Trader Joe’s with a cooler full of pies.
photo by James West, President of the Olympia Camera Club
I’m glad I didn’t. People were there by the hundreds… TO SHOP! All the suits from the Chamber of Commerce were there, and all the managerial types from TJ’s were beaming with pride as the cash registers rang out the sweet song of PROFITS!
Whoo hoo! Get Lei’d!
We left Trader Joe’s with a free recycled tote bag, but no groceries. Payday wasn’t for another 10 days. We went into Barnes & Noble’s and browsed for an hour, and I made an inquiry about being a Guest Reader on their stage (for Free). I also introduced myself to guy with one of the full bags of Grand Opening treats. He said he was a VIP because he’s opening a store in Renton. I gave him my card. A few minutes later he asked that I give his wife a second one. Good thinking, Mister.
Then I got prepared for an event to which I was actually invited, a year end BBQ for the Thurston Parks Summer Camp. Sarah Alexander had finally agreed to be pied. She figured it would go over great in front of the kids, and I could even bring mine. She even estimated that I might find up to EIGHT willing faces including her own. Although it would be another volunteer gig I considered it a better publicity stunt and a safe, appropriate surprise that would be a profoundly memorable way to celebrate.
Orion and I arrived and were greeted with, “Can I help you?”
Uh-oh. A grumpy looking lady wearing official parks gear. It turns out that Sarah was not the boss of this institution, nor did the bosses know I was coming. The grumpy lady says, “This is a closed site. All of the guests have to go through us. We have special needs campers.” Etc. Etc. and Wait Here. So I shoot the breeze with some other ladies. One has already had a pie-in-the-face. It was one of the three things she wanted to do before she died. She’s probably not going to do the other two: drive backwards into town or drive around town with a bag on her head.
Okay, the wait is over. Another guy shows up with parks gear and asks, “Can I talk to you over here for a minute?”
Uh-oh. The brush off. He tells the same story, so we leave.
Then I head down to Sand in the City. After all, I don’t have room in the freezer for all this whipped topping. A clown and his pie are soon parted, eh?
I found my first customers near the tower, but I attract the attention of grumpy looking ladies wearing official Hands On Children’s Museum gear. “This is supposed to be a fund raiser for US.” So they direct me to the edge of the festivities, and I lead away a group of children who have already lined up for their pie, one of which is the daughter of grumpy lady #2.
I’m the Pie Piper… or is it the Get-Pied Piper?
At this point ANOTHER grumpy looking lady comes over. She wants to know if these pictures will be on the internet. She would prefer that a couple of them NOT be on the internet… at least with the names attached… actually could I please just delete it from the camera? Okay, I show her the shots and delete the first one, but then she can’t really identify the faces with all the whipped cream, so she says “It’s really fine. Never mind.”
This last face barely got annointed, but I’m gonna count it, okay?
New total: About 230 Faces Pied! None of them GRUMPY
That evening I talk with Sarah. No one told her that I’d shown up and been sent away. She thought I blew her off. She HAD asked permission from her supervisor. We both think they owe me an apology and paid gig. Don’t you?