Category Archives: Diplomacy
“Bapak Utan” sang “Ol’ King Kong” by Sandman the Rappin’ Cowboy.
I read “A Birthday Clown for Archer” by Kathy Mashburn about a boy who convinces his coulrophobic mother to hire a clown for his birthday. After all, it’s HIS BIRTHDAY!
PLEASE MOM PLEASE MOM PLEASE MOM j/k. He’s a nice kid that Archer. Not like some people’s kids. This lady here has a kid. The middle kid. I worked with him. I have lots of notes. A real sweet heart and funny guy but he could turn on you, start throwing crayons faster than you can say Jack Asperger’s.
I was a few years ahead of the Drunk Baby Meme when I wrote these.
I was at the birth of our pal Gavin when I started inventing these jokes to distract and amuse his mom. I posted them to an old livejournal account in 2003. Luckily, I kept it archived, so here it is for no reason other than to continue the theme of going in bars (Oly Pub Crawl, Chive Meet-Up, Bloodwrestling at the Urban Onion).
A baby walks into a bar and orders a milk. The bartender says, “I can’t serve you. Don’t you see the sign. It says No Minors!”
The baby says, “I’m not a miner, I’m a baby!”
The bartender says, “Get outta here and go home to your mother”.
Well, if you were in labor you might laugh.
An hour or so later I came up with this one.
Another baby walks into another bar and orders a milk. The bartender asks, “Have you got any ID?” The baby reaches into his diapers and pulls out his sonogram.
The bartender says, “How do I know this is you?”
The baby says, “What do ya mean? That’s my nose, that’s my thumb I’m sucking! See, that’s me!”
After a moment the bartender says, “Hey! You gotta be 21 YEARS old, not 21 WEEKS old! Get outta here!”
A baby walks into a bar and orders a double shot of their best cream with a binky chaser and says to “put it on my tab!”.
The bartender asks, “Who do you think you are!?”
The baby says, “Aw, Daaad, you know me!”
A baby crawls into a bar and pulls himself up onto a stool and says, “A bottle of your house white.” Then he notices the well-endowed barmaid and quickly corrects himself, “On second thought, whatever you have on tap.
and just because I’ll be subbing in Kindergarten next week, another baby meme – Success Kid!
As the 6th month approached I realized that I had some hot gigs on the burner, so I put off my recap until after the April Fool’s service. Then I waited until I had something to report about the Spring Break Clown Camp… Pretty soon it was Summer Clown Camp, and then it was National Clown Week. That’s when I found out that all of her sites had been hacked and she was not able to do the follow-up article after all.
Now it’s been 14 months since the first article. Here are the updates I was going to share with Becky Cortino.
In “Launch”, Michael Stelzner emphasized the power and necessity of collaboration, and his examples and suggestions helped me focus on a better collaboration strategy. Per the suggestions in “Launch”, I have continued to seek out and involve Other Great People and “exchanging offerings” with them. Notably, I actively recruited successful peers and industry experts to visit the local clown alley, the Red Nose Brigade. I convinced Guinness World Record Winner, Alex “the Zaniac” Zerbe, to give a skill share workshop. He later called me needing a pie-in-the-face consultation for a regional library promo video he was shooting.
Each year around Halloween I spend time working with the scary clown stereotype instead of against it. I did three consecutive years at the Tumwater Halloween House. On the third year the owner also accepted a pie-in-the-face, and I inaugurated a scarier look complete with prosthetic teeth.
In 2011, I negotiated with several non-profits for an 11 night run as a scary clown in a Haunted Firehouse. In addition to cash and logo placement on the flier, one perk was a pair of season tickets to a local theater.
I sponsored a successful 10 week “First of May” internship with an Evergreen State College student, who studied clowning through a Marxist feminist lens. This gave me a chance to reflect on suitable reading and viewing lists. Books included: “Pie any means necessary” (the Biotic Baking Brigade), “Clown Girl” (Drake), and “the Death of Ben Linder” (Kruckewitt). I shared videos ranging from Danny Kaye in “The Court Jester” to Chaplin’s “the Circus” to the inner city Krumpin’ Clowns of “Rize” and the spacey clowns of Cirque du Soleil. She accompanied me on a variety of gigs: a parade, a birthday, a drive-by pieing, several workshops and spring break clown camp. I introduced her to a half-dozen members of the local clown community, and she interviewed them for a wider perspective on the craft.
My Laughter Yoga practice has also grown beyond the free weekly club meeting at the Olympia Unitarian Universalist Congregation (OUUC). A PE teacher from Elma hired me to give a lecture-demo for her school’s staff meeting, and the Olympia Occupy Solidarity Social Forum invited me to give two workshops.
Since April Fool’s fell on a Sunday this year, I coordinated with the minister, worship arts committee, and eight clown confederates on a church service around the theme of “How Humor Serves the Soul”. I led a Laughter Greeting & Laughter Meditation portion.
Several Sundays later I led a church service at the OUUC on the topic of “Laughter: opens minds, fills hearts, and transforms lives” partnered with another Certified Laughter Yoga Leader. We made the connection between the church’s mission statement and the use of laughter as a tool to achieve those goals. After the service I was approached by a man from a smaller church to the south. They don’t currently have a minister and they share the responsibility for a weekly message. His official title may be President of the Board, but he was actually also a talent scout. He offered to hire me to do a service for them.
I was the “2011 Best of Olympia” Staff Pick in Tacoma’s Weekly Volcano for “Best Pie (in the face)”.
I also got good publicity by offering a free class in “Esoteric Red Nose Clowning” at Waves, a local dance studio, as part of their Community Event Nights. A reporter from Olympia Power & Light attended, and his article made the front page.
I hosted a spring and a summer Clown Camp. I taught a total of eleven students, and I was able to bring in five additional part-time counselors. The larger success, however, wasn’t the number of students who actually enrolled, but the scope of the advertising I was able to achieve by partnering with the Parks & Recreation department. They published several photos with the camp description in their catalog that went to thousands and thousands of locations. The school districts allowed me to send fliers home to students because the parks department is a non-profit organization. After the spring camp I decided to upgrade my flier and made a deal with local illustrator, Chelsea Baker. She stays busy drawing a 4 panel comic every day. It was the best advertising investment I’ve ever made.
It was my 3rd year pieing at Festival of Purim and 2nd with a large entourage of clowns. The rabbi was on sabbatical, but I’ve already pied him twice. This year I stayed for the whole megillah.
It’s come down to a “Go Big or Go Home” mentality. Technically, it’s a “Go Big and THEN Go Home” thing. If other clowns sometimes offer a 2nd clown, I like to offer half a dozen. I like to arrange a multi-clown team to accommodate the balloons, Laughter Yoga, singing, dancing, and piñata bashing. Clown OVERKILL is really my favorite thing. It’s especially efficient when we’re doing one-on-one activities like face painting and balloon twisting.
Some clowns work in pairs. I like to roll about 5 deep whenever possible. I keep a clown in every corner and one in center stage. Guess who gets center stage.
Over a year ago, I entered a contest to win a copy of Michael Stelzner’s book “Launch”. This was my application>
My greatest marketing challenge is reaching beyond the ‘low hanging fruit’ of birthday parties and clowning/ comedy consulting/ laughter yoga as a sideline. My goal is to parlay 10 years of experience in education to book enough school gigs, clown camps, and adult “playshares” (they’re not workshops) to pay the rent each month. I have reached the salary ceiling as a para-educator, and always run up against the same fearful, fatalistic, and authoritarian attitudes regarding students. It’s always: Walk! Quiet! You’ll lose your recess! That’s sloppy! Quit fooling around! #2 Pencils Ready! Line Up!
I’ve read Godin and Stratten and Baskin and Shankman.
I deliver FREE pie-in-the-face to published authors as a special celebration for their achievement (1st class travel and accommodation the responsibility of the piee). [See my blog for pics of Patch Adams, Monica Drake, Charlie Williams, et. al]
I think Stelzner’s new book Launch will help me take the next uncanny leap of my career. It doesn’t hurt that his name looks like Seltzer… hey, I can see a photo op in that… I hope he’s got a sense of humor.
(p.s. send me a msg if you want the password to the slightly risque “6 Ways to p/u Jusby”)
Then I made a direct appeal via instant message to as many fcbking friends as I saw online before the contest closed.
I was able to get 44 votes to my rival’s 13. A roaring success. A landslide election sweep.
The book arrived, and I absorbed its marketing ideas and added them to my uniqueness. The prize also included a series of interviews (valued at $1500) to be published on Becky Cortino’s blog. After the jump is a recreation of the first one. Her website has since crashed and simply refers everyone to fcbk. The 6-9 month follow-up article never happened.
These are INSIDE JOKES for Chivers and Chivettes. Visit http://thechive.com to get clues what they mean.
10. Knock-Knock. Who’s There? Bo. Bo Who? Bo Red At Work!
9. Knock-Knock. Who’s There? Bernie. Bernie Who? Bernie Bra Day!
8. Knock-Knock. Who’s There? Emma. Emma Who? Ehrmagehrd! Kunerk kunerk jokes!
7. Knock-Knock. Who’s There? Effell. Effell Who? FLBP!
6. Knock-Knock. Who’s There? Ida. Ida Who? Ida What I Want!
5. Knock-Knock. Who’s There? Kasey. Kasey Who? KCCO!
4. Knock-Knock. Who’s There? Keith. Keith Who? Keith Calm and Chive On!
3. Knock-Knock. Who’s There? Moe. Moe Who? Motivational Monday!
2. Knock-Knock. Who’s There? Merri. Merri Who? ‘Merica!
1.Knock-Knock. Who’s There? Sawyer. Sawyer Who? Sawyer Got Wasted!
Plz tag me on facebook if you took a pic at the Meet Up.
Allow me to expand on the details about this event, which goes a bit contrary to typical clown parties *ahem*. However, my philosophy about clowning has always emphasized absurd rituals of taboo violation, and that includes taboos within the mainstream clown community.
The nice folks at GRuB (Garden-Raised Bounty) asked if I would support their annual auction with a donation. Since our family had been a previous recipient of their free raised bed garden, I offered up a Party Extraordinaire on the condition that I could attend the Soiree at the Schmidt with my partner, Honey.
GRuB wisely bundled our services with cupcakes from She & She Gluten Free!
It gave me the chance to rewrite the verbage about the party for Auctioneer, Joe Hyer.
“an extraordinary and unhurried visit by Jusby the Clown AND his lovely assistant, Honey, as your surprise guests performing their amusing brand of edu-tainment for you at the conclusion of which, multiple guests may get a PIE-IN-THE-FACE!
Jusby & Honey will spend 75 minutes at your event facilitating pies, transformations, & guided laughter. You get to help plan the proportion of each.
Would you prefer to laugh until you can’t stop?
Would you like each of your guests to have a painted face, a tattooed arm, or a balloon creation?
Would you choose to host the next record-breaking pie-in-the-face party?
At any rate, you are bidding on Safe, Appropriate, and Profoundly Memorable Surprises with Jusby the Clown & Comedy Consultant.”
This is “Crystal”, my First of May Clown intern. Because I first discovered my clown at Evergreen, it has long seemed a natural move to become a clowning mentor for other greeners. So I decided to offer to sponsor either an internship or (as in my experience) an individual learning contract.
http://www.evergreen.edu/individualstudy/internshipinformation.htm < Find or List an Internship Here
I posted a position on Wednesday, August 9th. On Friday, August 12 I got a response:
This is your future employette, MBC.
I have a deep respect for clowning and particularly the history of clowning, as archival research and humorous entertainment are my most developed passions. I live in Olympia Washington and I am ready and willing to work to help you ensure the success of your clowning empire. I am attending a second year at Evergreen starting in late September.I will gladly send you a resume once I am on a computer that contain’s that coveted file. Please let me know if this position is already filled so that I may devise a plan to usurp the throne. I have studied clowning for three years at Wavy Gravy’s summertime circus Camp Winnarainbow in Laytonville California.
We met on the 16th and she worked her first gig on the 21st. We did a five hour face painting gig for the Love Our Local Fest: Northeast Neighborhood Block Party, and I soon found that she possesses mad skillz with paint and brushes.
By the 29th of August I had a 2nd potential intern contacting me. However, we soon discovered that unless the position was a full-time paid position she couldn’t pursue it.
I look forward to the day when I have more than enough work to cover all my expenses and can afford that kind of intern!
I immediately rewrote the internship description to clarify:
Assist the clown at parties and other events. Support the clown archives: written/ photo/ video documentation.
Position is on-call. No guaranteed monthly wages. Each meal is a banquet, every paycheck a fortune.
This is a hands-on, work-related learning experience. It is not a job-job. Opportunities for compensation will be handled with a fair mix of Show & Business.
I recently jointed the Youth Enrichment Foundation as a Platinum Participating Merchant > You can now buy $100 gift checks through them toward my services. They invited me out to their annual Block Party at the Hawk’s Prairie Home Depot Parking lot. They had 60 vendors and shows every hour on the hour. I took the 2 o’clock spot and also offered to improvise during set changes with some witty banter. Since I was so close to breaking the 500th pie mark I played that up.
I reached the 500th pie by 12:45!
Kai Lyn got pied
Clown campers, Smoothy, Memo & Checked the clowns showed up and helped with the show. We did 15 minutes of Laughter Yoga and then they handled pieing another dozen faces .
the sprinkler laugh
I stuck around until after the Kids at Play set. They had about 50 youth singing and dancing selections from Honk, the musical (based on Hans Christian Anderson’s “the Ugly Duckling”). I got it into my head that I would try for a new record of faces pied ALL AT ONCE. I figured that I’d get each kid to hold a mini-pie, and I could run down the line pieing them in a wave.
They had other plans…
complete chaos and mass hysteria! They pied each other and then pied me! Oh, well. It guess I had it coming.
Is it more fun to give than receive?
Share your opinion in the comments
Six Ways to Pick Up Jusby and Nine Ways to Bring Him Down
I received the following instructions from Go Game HQ:
Hello, Agent Hotstuff! Teams will be instructed to look for you and try out their best pick up line on you. It’s possible they’ll have a little trouble locating you. It’s fine if they hit on the wrong person a time or two, but if they’re struggling to find you/bothering patrons, give them some help locating you. Then they’ll try out their best pick up line you. Depending on how funny/cheesy/good the line is, you’ll give them a score to enter into their phones (and you pretend you’re giving it to them as part of your phone number). The scoring works like this:
4111: Pretty good
2111: Below average
You can always play around with them a little, too. Ask for a better line, ask them to deliver it the way they would in a real bar, ask for the best line they’ve ever heard in their own lives, whatever you think will keep things lively. Please remember this is a corporate event. Teams love this mission, and you’ll have a very good time today. However, on occasion, teams may push the boundaries of good taste with their pick up lines/moves. Please keep things comfortable at all times.
This is exactly what teams will see before they come to you:
Smooth Line: As superheroes, you need many different skill sets. And for this particular mission, you’ll need to showcase your skills in the ole pick up department. Why? Because it’s a lost art. So head on over to Local Color on Pike near Stewart. There you’ll find the debonair Agent Hotpants. Approach gracefully and try out your team’s best pickup line. Make it as original as possible because he’s one smooth operator! Also, your line will be judged against other teams. If your line has enough “omph”, then our Agent just might give you his phone number. Hit ‘Prove’ once you’ve entered THE LAST FOUR DIGITS below.
I left Olympia with great expectations and a great underestimation of the time I’d be investing in parking and navigating the big city streets. Five minutes past the scheduled rendez-vous at the Pike Place Starbucks I bit the proverbial bullet and invested $20.75 on a 3 hour parking spot beside the Lusty Lady. I spotted my contact easily. She wore an orange jumpsuit and sat at a table full of checks. I took my pay and beat the pavement to my designated encounter zone. While deciding where to arrange myself, a dude in a fez offered to share his table. It was the Howlin’ Hobbit.
After I got my little green laptop fired up [11:58am], a waitress told me that I needed to buy something if I was going to use their table. OMG! No, no, I’m with the Go Game! They told me to come here and people would maybe buy me a drink! Do you have whipped cream? Oh, good.
Howlin’ Hobbit & Jusby
Six Ways to Pick Jusby Up
“Let’s go. I have a rubber… chicken.”
“I love cream pies. Don’t you?”
“Hit me with your best schlock!”
“Want to share a bottle of seltzer?”
“Let’s make like a banana peel and slip some clown up!”
“What’s a kinky clown like you doing in a well-lit alley like this?”
I would have loved to hear lines like these yesterday, but Go Game Teams seemed pressed for time and imagination. The first team arrived, and they elected a woman spokesperson. She mumbled, “Can we buy you a drink and maybe get a room?” WTF?! Um, okay, I’ve been fascinated by that flashing neon sign advertising a Coconut Chai… 12 oz is fine. Here’s my number [written on the back of my biz card] 3111. I had no idea how the grading curve would play out. I was told that 200 Microsoft employees in 25 teams would be playing this game over the course of 2 hours. There were about 16 actors involved. Each scenario took a couple of minutes to play out. Although their pick-up was pretty awful, they were quick with the drink. It was a long time until the next group arrived.
[1:21pm] The second group sent a man, and he sat right down across from me and delivered his pick-up line. “There’s a circus in my pants, and the only thing missing is you.” OMG! Wow! I gave them a 5111.
[1:37] Third team also sends a man. He’s trying to keep it together, but his delivery is stumbling and the line isn’t working for me. “Do you know you’re in the wrong place? The Miss Universe Contract.. uh, Contest.. is down the street…” Yikes. It’s about to be a crash and burn. One of his team mates whispers that he should offer me a drink. The line is long, and my chai isn’t empty, so I decline, but I keep him squirming. I ask if he likes pie? Of course, he says yes. I have him fetch some whipped cream and pop him with a micro-pie on the nose, letting his team earn a 6111 for being a good sport and persistent.
Pied face ~451
[1:46pm] The fourth (and final) team is at the door. I’m getting the sense of when a team arrives without having to watch for them. The energy shifts when 16 eyes scan the place and somebody suddenly hisses something like, “That guy! Check out the clown! It’s gotta be him! Oh, no, what are we supposed to do?” Then they all consult their smart phone for the instructions. And laugh, embarrassed.
I’ve brought my fan, and I open it to signal them. [1:51] I glance over, thinking they have definitely confirmed a spokesperson and decided on a line.
OMG! WTF? Their spokesperson is sitting at the wrong table, picking up a civilian! I SNAP open the fan, drawing some stares, hoping he’ll get the clue to desist before it’s too late.
It’s too late. They’re shaking hands like, “Good to meet you anyway.” I cross over and ask the civilian, “Are you working? [no] Did that dude just try to pick you up? [I think so] They’re looking for a sharp dresser,” I say, brushing the lapels of my tuxedo coat and touching the brim of my top hat, “and I think you won. Niiice.” Then I go sit back down.
A minute later, the spokesperson shows up and asks, “Are you Agent HotPants?” YESSSSS… Very Good!
“What’s your policy on Manscaping? Old growth or scorched earth?” LMAO [That’s what you asked the civilian?!] Hmmm, I’m circus-scumscribed. Here’s my#6111
Christopher (middle) with civilian and the real Agent HotPants
Then I was cut free, so I packed up, but before I left the owner wanted my boss’s number. He said, “I want to stop having you come in. It’s nothing you did, but it’s a distraction and nobody buys anything.” I wrote her number on the back of my card and got the heck out of Dodge. First, I made a quick photo-op with Sage, who got me involved in this silly scheme.
Sage, Etienne, and Jusby in the spendy parking lot
Then I hit Friday rush hour traffic all the way home. 9:45 Depart Olympia, 4:45 Return Olympia. $65 Pay – $20.75 Parking & using up a Personal Day from work… not the best gig economically speaking… but that’s part of the rant you’ll find below the cut
9 Ways to Bring Jusby Down
- Don’t pay extra for 126 mile Round trips
- Don’t pay extra for parking
- Don’t understand the needs of business owners
- Don’t recognize that Jusby is a player in a larger game
- Act like Jusby’s unique brand of edu-tainment is a distraction from MATTERS OF CONSEQUENCE
- Occupy the bathroom after Jusby has been holding 12 oz of iced coconut chai in his bladder for 3 hours
- Avoid double-entendre like the clap [I prefer the clap-clap-clap… of applause]
- Refuse pie for other people and order it for Jusby
- Order pie for other people and refuse it for yourself
Luau for local chocolatier today… henna, tattoos, organic whipped cream pies & summer attire: Lifeguard Clown in new Red Swim Trunks
Oh dear, the count is… uh… approximately 450 pied faces! Thanks, Bliss Wunder Heather Duke, Maureen Nelson, Treypac McKaughan and all the pied faces at the luau today!
That’ll do, pig.
This year’s Lacey Spring Fun Fair entry by the Red Nose Brigade included: Jusby, Sprout, Bean Sprout, Lilly, Buzzy, Stormy & Bubble~Trouble.
Sprout made the front page of the Olympian!
Jack Lobb, 2, gives a kiss to his aunt, Jenni Hatfield, who is dressed as Sprouts the Clown, during the annual Lacey Spring Fun Fair on the Saint Martin’s University campus on Saturday, May 21, 2011. The event continues on Sunday. (Tony Overman/Staff Photographer)
The alley planned to recreate our award-winning parade entry, “Road Apple Pie or Pie a la Road”, but we kept tweaking it…
- We eliminated the fake apples we were dropping
- We eliminated the hobby horses we were riding
- We added horse ears and tails to our costumes
- We eliminated the wheelbarrow
- We added a riding lawnmower that towed a wagon
- We forgot the large fake pie
- We substituted a real pie
Consequently, of course, a dude got pied!
For some reason, we had trouble getting together for a group shot. This is Sprout, Jusby & Bubble~Trouble. Not Pictured: Stormy, Buzzy, Lilly, & Bean Sprout!
This is a girl I know from my day job. She admitted that she had been afraid of clowns because she was traumatized by a clown chasing her with a balloon… at the Lacey Spring Fun Fair! However, it was before I joined the RNB, so I know it wasn’t me!
Coincidentally, I knew her mother from my time as an AmeriCorps*VISTA (2001-200).