Jusby

Someone needs this more than Uncle P.

Grumps sent the following e-mail in reference to something completely different, but I will reprint it here for anyone else struggling with a difficult diagnosis and needing a comedy consultation.

Wait a minute. Let me see if I got this straight…

The Doctors found something serious. But not immediately fatal. Right?

So they’re sending you back to where folks are actively shooting and blowing each other up? Right?

For your health?

Is this some sort of joke, by way of Joe Heller? ⁽¹⁾

Alan Arkin, as played by Yossarian

Are they crazy?

Just what did they recommend you do?

Whistle The Brighter Side of Life? ⁽²⁾

Graham Chapman as played by Brian Cohen, as played by Jesus Christ, as played by The Messiah

=====

Ok ok Here’s a true story. Really. I didn’t make this one up.

When I was a young man – ok a boy – of 12 or 13, I decided that I had had enough of Sunday School and all that religious stuff. Things were pretty grim in the world – Cold War, Berlin Blockade, Korean War, Cuban Missile Crisis. Seemed pretty obvious to me that no reasonable God would allow those sorts of things to go on. Being an aspiring “Man of Science” I concluded that Atheism was the way to go.

Meanwhile, Mom was trying to get me to go to those pseudo catechism classes at St Andrews. I thought that my Wednesday evenings would be better spent experimenting with chemicals in the basement.

So I asked her “What makes you so sure there even is a God?”

She sat and thought about it for couple of minutes.

Then she gave the best argument ever for the existence of a supreme being:

“Because we can laugh.”

Right then and there I had a religious conversion. Yep. That’s how I became an Orthodox Agnostic.

‘Course – now I’m not so sure.

====

ok one more story. Maybe a little less grounded in veracity. But partly true..

I was in the hospital recovering from that pulmonary thing and associated cardio vascular stuff. No less than 4 doctors and 3 nurses told me how lucky I was, because if that clot had pushed the “Up” button instead of the “Down” in the arterial elevator I’d have stroked out, instead of just a really, really nasty cramp in my leg.

One doctor told me I should play the lottery, since I was so lucky.

I thought I shouldn’t push my luck.

And then there was a nurse that told me “God must have a special purpose for you.”

I told her that I was still here because “Hell’s all full at the moment, but I’m on the waiting list”

She didn’t find that amusing. I thought it just confirmed Granny’s reasoning.

So I was lazing about in recovery arena, contemplating life’s mystery’s without any clues – when I hear this weird sound: “Greep. Greep. …. Greep. Greep.”

Not much else to do – so I got out of bed and with one hand dragging the IV pole and the other trying to hold my medium sized gown closed behind my XXL behind, and set off to investigate.

“Greep. Greep.”

Made my way down the corridors – past several nursing stations – all of whom seemed deaf to the noise: “Greep…..Greep. Greep”

Finally followed the audio trail to the cafeteria – which was almost completely empty, being 2:13 in the morning ‘Cept this one tall, ugly guy sitting by himself – having a cup of coffee. He had spikey orange hair – not dyed but looked like the real thing. And he had this sort of wild crazy look on his face with his eyes bugging out. Kinda like a hybrid of Marty Feldman, Boris Karloff, and Gene Wilder. And in scrubs and stethoscope around his neck.

Every now and again, he’d dip his finger in the coffee, then rub it around the lip of his mug. Sort of like you do with a wine glass to make it sing. Only this went “Greep. Greep.”

. He was totally oblivious to everything – just staring at nothing and doing his “Greep. Greep” thing. It was more than a little disconcerting to think this dude was in the medical profession. I just stood there in horror and fascination watching this guy

This other guy from the kitchen comes out and sees me there.

He could tell I was more than a little freaked out. “Hey man. Chill out. Everybody knows: ‘Don’t fear the Rim Greeper’”

======

—–

Keep your armor on, your head down, and wear a safety harness.

Peace, Love and all that ‘60s stuff,

Bro Dave, et al

—–

(1)

There was only one catch and that was Catch-22, which specified that a concern for one’s safety in the face of dangers that were real and immediate was the process of a rational mind. Orr was crazy and could be grounded. All he had to do was ask; and as soon as he did, he would no longer be crazy and would have to fly more missions. Orr would be crazy to fly more missions and sane if he didn’t, but if he was sane he had to fly them. If he flew them he was crazy and didn’t have to; but if he didn’t want to he was sane and had to. Yossarian was moved very deeply by the absolute simplicity of this clause of Catch-22 and let out a respectful whistle.

“That’s some catch, that Catch-22,” Yossarian observed.

“It’s the best there is,” Doc Daneeka agreed.

— Joseph Heller, 1961

(2)

Always Look on the Bright Side of Life

Some things in life are bad,
They can really make you mad,
Other things just make you swear and curse,
When you’re chewing life’s gristle,
Don’t grumble,
Give a whistle
And this’ll help things turn out for the best.
And…

Always look on the bright side of life.
[whistle]
Always look on the light side of life.
[whistle]

If life seems jolly rotten,
There’s something you’ve forgotten,
And that’s to laugh and smile and dance and sing.
When you’re feeling in the dumps,
Don’t be silly chumps.
Just purse your lips and whistle.
That’s the thing.
And…

Always look on the bright side of life.
[whistle]
Always look on the right side of life,
[whistle]

For life is quite absurd
And death’s the final word.
You must always face the curtain with a bow.
Forget about your sin.
Give the audience a grin.
Enjoy it. It’s your last chance, anyhow.
So,…

Always look on the bright side of death,
[whistle]
Just before you draw your terminal breath.
[whistle]

Life’s a piece of shit,
When you look at it.
Life’s a laugh and death’s a joke it’s true.
You’ll see it’s all a show.
Keep ‘em laughing as you go.
Just remember that the last laugh is on you.
And…

Always look on the bright side of life.
Always look on the right side of life.
[whistle]

Always look on the bright side of life!
[whistle]
Always look on the bright side of life!
[whistle]
Always look on the bright side of life!
[whistle]
Always look on the bright side of life!
[whistle]
Always look on the bright side of life!
[whistle]
Always look on the bright side of life!
[whistle]
Always look on the bright side of life!
[whistle]
Always look on the bright side of life!
[whistle]